It occurred to me early this morning that it may be that even when I do the things that for me would generally help balance, cope, reorient - if I'm only going through the motions and my mind is still elsewhere in its grappling with life events, I just can't find that space. There are wonderful moments of it all over the place - right now I am just feeling such joy about the presence of my little grandson in the world. But so much dread and worry and grief and loss, it feels like my body has been poisoned. And I have added to that poison by how I'm treating myself lately.
Today will be different. I am trying to treat my...no, I am not just trying. Today I am treating my body well, and I am keeping my mind in it fully. Today is different:
- An early walk with Hunter in the near-dark with a brisk wind outside - but it's like 60F out there so it felt like being on a beach somewhere at night. Even the sound of that much wind in the trees, almost sounds like surf. Transporting.
- Standing with my friend Jenny in the wet grass in my backyard, in my bare feet, moving together through deep breathing to get centered and literally grounded.
- Coming back in the house and sweating hard on the treadmill for another 30 minutes.
I can't believe how much better I feel having done these things. Spending that 90 minutes to become tuned, calibrated. Will it last the day? Nothing has changed about my worries and my hurts. But clarity and honesty rise and say that among all the other things that are reaching for me, love has a hold on me too. And I can skip the system and the program and the plan. It's just about what I am doing today.
Thus it is our own mind
that should be established in all the Roots of the Good;
it is our own mind
that should be soaked by the rain of truth;
it is our own mind
that should be purified from all obstructive qualities;
it is our own mind
that should be made vigorous by energy.
Gandavyuha Sutra
Gandavyuha Sutra
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