I did hours of it last night as I lay awake worrying until about 4:45 am when I finally dropped off for a little while. I am burdened by the desire to understand and reach rapport with people, and bewildered at the axes they drop when I risk and try. I turn things over in my mind and wonder where I went wrong, what did I say that I shouldn't have said. When someone's first response is to end the conversation, I just...don't understand. And have difficulty accepting that maybe where I went wrong was in trying at all. On the drive across town this morning under a bright sky, it occurred to me somewhat wryly that God is surely planning to grant me the broad perspective that comes from having to sustain my best work under a constant cloud of wilting disapproval.
But God interrupted my thoughts to say, "Maybe they're actually just mean." Which I hadn't truly thought of.
Oh make me glad for every scalding tear;
For hope deferred, ingratitude, disdain!
Wait, and love more for every hate;
For God is good, and loss is gain.
- from Mother's Evening Prayer, by Mary Baker Eddy
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5 comments:
The result of my soul searching this week was to realize that the way people interact and react to you says more about them and how they see themselves than it does about you.
Here's my psychologist hat: When other people respond negatively to us, we often tend to assume it's our fault, when in reality it often has nothing to do with us at all. Sometimes they are just mean. Or they're having a bad day/week/month. Or whatever. So I always have to remind myself not to take it to heart. I can generally find something I really did do wrong to lose sleep over, anyway.
The call's in to Guido. You'll be able to lay this particular worry to rest soon. (Yeah, because sometimes they ARE just mean. Unbelievably, inconceivably, unaccountably mean.)
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I've spent this entire semester wondering what it is I've done to deserve some of the treatment I've got. Although in my case, I'm becoming more and more convinced that it's not because the people are mean or have any real ill will, I think it may just be that they are selfish and completely clueless to how their words and actions affect people, in a word...stupid. At any rate, I wouldn't lose to much sleep over these people, if they lack the intelect or general brain power to see you're an amazing person (whether these are professional or personal dealings), then (as mentioned before), that's THEIR problem.
God has a good sense of humor.
While you're waiting for the punchline just remember that it's not you, it's them.
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