Sunday, September 30, 2007

An unrecoverable summer

Life upended around the first of May or so. At the briefest of moments since then, I have thought at times of how I might return here to capture the events and the strain of repeatedly stepping into breaches, how to describe the decisions I've made. I kept thinking things would level and then I'd tell that story. With each considering I pared the imagined story down to ways that wouldn't do it justice ever. Moments of living very close to the bone, of holding lives in my hands and making calm and rational decisions that destroyed me inside, of seeing the water start to clear above my head and suddenly being plunged into more cold shocks. It would be quite a ravaging story, so I'd punctuate it with photos of the comic relief that's occurred here and there - and maybe those parts will still get posted sometime.

A week ago my mother had a mild stroke, and everything from the moment I found her on the floor has seemed both blurry and painfully clear since. Tonight when cleaning out email I found messages from a month ago where I've apologized to people for the many obligations I was not meeting because of so many emergent weakening threads in the world. I've held together as many of them as I could.

The week ahead is an express train from hell, which in context of my life - or even the last week - is really saying something. The air is cold at night and the snow is coming over the tops of the east hills and slouching toward us. So I am burying this summer and all its moments and its million bits of broken glass, bright and unrecoverable tears.

6 comments:

Crowzma said...

I am so sorry about your mother. I say that with all the sorrow I carry from my own mother's bedside. As to the rest, I do not (nor need to) know the particulars. I simply know the size of your heart and how much of it you put into others.

All the candles are yours.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Peg... Instant prayers are going out on your & Nana's behalf ~ am so concerned for both of you! Hold tight & know you are loved. pm

Reillybug said...

Peg,

I'm sorry about your mom.... I hope that she recovers enough to be herself again.

You do what you can, and that's all people can expect of you.

Love and Hugs.

Genny said...

Peg, it sounds like you've had a very hard few months as you moved through one crisis to another. Please know that you and your mom are in my heart and prayers. I'm so sorry to hear about nana's stroke. I hope she's doing better. If you need to vent or just talk, we're all here for you.

Southern Latitudes said...

(((Peg))) I'm sorry to hear that about Nana. We will pray for her and for you as you climb the highest mountains and sometimes tumble to the darkest valleys.

Like Genny said, we're here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on.

Robin

Habeela said...

I'm so sorry to hear it's been such a rough summer! I hope things will begin to look up soon for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.