Êtes-vous out of your mind?

Nigel has been back with us for a visit, and it's that face that led me to the danger of perusing rescue listings for French bulldogs this week. I am not a peruser. That was bad enough, but at one point I found myself typing to one rescue group "At this point I would really only consider taking frail elderly or medically compromised / disabled dogs" aaaack-DEL-DEL-DEL-DEL-DEL-DEL-DEL-DEL

However, thoughts become things, and so. Not for a while yet, but it's coming.

a Puppy joins the pack

One of our daycare clients, the eponymously named Puppy, joined us at home a few weeks ago when his mom faced an emergency hospitalization. He was expected to be a guest for a day or two, but that has stretched into weeks, and as circumstances have worsened it looks that he will be with us at least for some weeks to come. But Puppy is a happy little man, seemingly unconcerned about his abrupt change of scene, and has done just great with the various dogs who come and go here. His zest for life is contagious and he's constantly delivering hugs and kisses. This is what happened when I said 'enough already' of holding him early this morning. (Can I just say that Luther is the best.dog.ever.)

Nose to tail

The Banks boys went in for their procedures yesterday and much was learned - so much that I have felt really tired at the idea of writing it. This is the breakdown.

Saylor:
- Dental cleaning, but no excisions because the ones that needed to come out fell out during the exploratory; abscesses under treatment
- Ear flush to get rid of a lot of debris and infection; Saylor has no left eardrum and only partial right eardrum; infection under treatment twice daily
- Bloodwork has high AlkPhos but nothing else remarkable. Thyroid okay, so problems with thermoregulation are probably due to the constant exposure of tongue and mouth tissue.
- Full body x-rays indicate no other particular concerns

Luther:
- Bloodwork basically okay except high AlkPhos
- Dental cleaning, removal (and a cosmetically beautiful removal) of gum tissue overgrowth which does not appear cancerous
- Ears were actually rotting from the inside, despite constant treatment since October. Doc was amazed at the amount of impacted debris that came out and says he can't wait to show me the video. Luther has evidently had serious ear problems all his life; ear canals are scarred and are only 25% the width that they should be. Both eardrums are gone. Ears were not surgically closed at this time because we need to treat them further first; they may not actually have been completely cleared despite all the time spent on them. This boy has been miserable for a very long time with no complaint.
- Left lung cloudy and scarred, possibly from a serious aspiration at some time in the past
- Heart is enlarged and elongated, but cardiac blood values were ok. Not sure what this may portend for him, if anything
- X-rays revealed shot pellets around his ribcage
- The most recent, large hot-spot-that-doesn't-look-like-a-hot-spot isn't a hot spot, it's a deep pyoderma. On high dose Cipro to see what that gets us. Ron felt this whole area should probably be excised, but after spending so long on the ears and knowing that was going to be painful and traumatic for some days to come, he said he didn't want to send him home with a 6 inch incision to manage too. This may have to happen at the same time as the ears get closed up. They tried some laser therapy to see whether that might help. Looking at it 24 hours later, I think it may have.
- Now the real problem. Spinal x-rays show severe spondylosis encompassing lower thoracic vertebrae, all lumbar vertebrae, and sacrum. Large bony growths at the lumbar/sacral junction. Causes? (age, trauma, overcompensation - did he get hit by a car and lose the leg as well as bust his back?) Arthritic hips but the issue of intermittent lameness in the right rear leg is diagnosed as neurological due to spinal degeneration. None of this has a good outlook (will his leg quit before his back finally snaps?, etc). He'll be on pain meds for the duration now.

Luther came home from the doctor acting like nothing had happened, but is rubbing his ears a lot. Saylor had a few hours of post-anesthesia psychosis and we just weathered that until he was done and we all got a small amount of sleep. Both boys seem to feel relatively well today and soldiered up for their ear cleaning tonight.

Followup in two weeks. More surgery for Luther likely. Discount on all services and drugs, and they did the laser treatment for free. (I love my vet.) My client and friend Dr. Kufel will take a look at Luther's radiographs to see what he may be able to contribute to his comfort. (I love my chiropractor too.)

Peg and kids

Saylor comes aboard

When I get back from my Texas trip at the end of January, this little guy will be joining our family. My friend Desiree is a frequent caretaker for Saylor, and as Des leaves for her new life in Portland, Saylor needed a new life of his own. Luther and I visited with him today and decided to invite him into our family, and Saylor's dad agreed to let us be the retirement home that will better match his needs.

Saylor is a Boston terrier about 14 years old, who lost his lower jaw to cancer several years ago and also has some spinal and neurological problems. Luther and I visited with him for awhile today, and that was enough for us. In truth, sparks didn't fly - partly because it will take me a while to learn to read his partial-face which is pretty expressionless. The whole situation reminds me very much of Piper, who was going to be a short-term medical project, and then became a precious part of our family for the 16 months we had. I made the decision because he's sort of a little train wreck and I can deal with that. We can wait for the love to grow.

And if you want to know more about oral cancers and how dogs live without their lower jaws, visit my friend Phyllis's article at Veterinary Partner...which happens to be illustrated with photos of my own little Courtney, who had the same surgery several years ago. (Saylor's amputation is much more extreme.) I am looking forward to getting his medical history, setting up a full re-evaluation, and asking Dr. Ron to take on another effort at making the best of this little life that we can.

The house begins to fill with hearts

Five of the holiday boarders are now here, with several more to come. It feels a little like the land of the lost tonight as everyone has some little angle to their story. Next week's arrivals will bring a little more life and laughter to what is right now a rather somber collection. The two tiny-littles have an ailing mom, recovering from surgery, and dad is gone for work for the next few weeks. One of the bigs is here until flight arrangements can be made for her to relocate out of state as her home has just broken. Another is recovering from ortho surgery while her mom is traveling. Luther still isn't talking about his backstory, but at least he appears to be over his intestinal distress.

And my love, Tess, is here and she is doing very, very badly. I long ago crossed over a professional line with this dog and have been in tears much of tonight, especially when she fought through her sedative-fog to drag herself off the nice ortho bed I'd set up for her, and struggle the 7-8 steps it took just to get to the bare floor at my feet instead. We don't deserve dogs. We really don't.

One miracle of the season

So this summer when I was housesitting for Tom and Annie, I was introduced to a cleaning product that changed my life. Now, understand...I thought I'd seen just about everything that's out there for cleaning of pet errors of the biological kind. As far as that goes, I think I've seen just about everything out there that IS a pet error of the biological kind. (Dear Santa, if that could just be a true statement I would be happy for every Christmas to come.)

Anyway. The stuff is Folex and it's probably at your neighborhood grocery. No frills stuff, in the cleaning section it'll be at the far left, lowest shelf where your eyes never look. Buy every container you see. When the apocalypse comes, I will have the hoard and I will hurt you if you try to take it away from me.

Now, as I said, I first encountered this in cleaning up the few accidents that happened during that summer housesit. But then the reality of Holly's death ended up all over their beautiful master bedroom carpet. This family has had the worst luck with housesitters, with tens of thousands of dollars of damage to their home in irresponsibility and destructiveness. This was not the impression I wanted to make my first time out. With tears of grief (and worry, and culpability, and more) I got out my little steam cleaner and gave the Folex an exceedingly grim test for something I thought possibly could not be fixed, at all. But with slow, careful effort, that whole scene was erased except from my memory.

Back at home this fall, I had my fave carpet guys come and do my little patch of house as usual. They weren't able to remove a couple of bad stains in Nana's bedroom and I'd never had any luck with them either despite some years of trying. Disappointed that the pros couldn't fix it, but again, maybe some things just can't be fixed. A month ago in making up the guest room for my brother's visit, Folex straight from the spray bottle got rid of all of it in under six seconds.

So today, I came home at lunch to find Luther had been quite ill. Although I block off my upstairs when I'm away so any guests don't wander around the house, I never do that when it's just Luther. So he chose the only carpet in the house to destroy.

Have I ever mentioned that I am a renter.

But at this point I am rather cocky. I am the owner of many bottles of Folex. Not to put too fine a point on it (and not to give you a wide angle shot which would be....really not nice):

That's part of the stain... and that's about 30 seconds later

DO NOT EVER TELL ME WHAT IS IN THIS STUFF. It's not labeled, I can't find an authoritative source on the formula, and Googling only brings up guesses. I want to believe in the magic.

Holiday bling

Luther got his holiday picture at our annual client portrait session at Dog Tired a few weeks ago. Handsome fellow.

Learning about Luther

This morning we made the drive out to Palmer for our first visit with The Holy Man. Luther had already had bloodwork and dental cleaning while in foster care, so today it was just about making an inventory and looking at his previous labs.

Dr. Ron gave him a good looking-at-and-listening-to. A hard thickness behind his jaws indicate a life of chronic ear problems, and we are doing an otic solution daily with the hope that Ron will be able to see eardrums when we go back in three weeks. (Digging in Luther's ears is the first time I've heard any sounds of discomfort from him.) He's missing some teeth and has a couple of pockets of concern in his mouth that may mean he loses a few more in the next six months. A few small growths that will come off whenever the first anesthesia opportunity arises. His heart and lungs are strong. His right shoulder bundle is massively developed, more than Ron has seen in a front-limb amputee (so much that it has deformed the upper arm bone), which indicates Luther was probably quite young when he lost the leg. The white marks all over his face and head are bite scars. From the level of lenticular sclerosis in his eyes, Ron puts Luther's age at older than we thought, probably 10+ years. Overall he was independently verified as a good old dog who's come through more than we know. As Ron's own path has been as a longtime devotee at the Church of the Labrador, Ron can finally count me among the converted, and blessed us both as we left today.

All in a day

I am declaring today an unqualified success. I treated my body well and felt relatively well despite the hip that has recently begun to shriek "Replace me!" I made good decisions and got several small errands and tasks done that felt like sweeping up a lot of debris. My staff did a really good job of managing 64 dogs and working together. I made a significant gesture of financial generosity to someone who deserves it, checking off one box of many still owed in the pay-it-forward column. I learned that Kari has saved every greeting card I've ever given her. I heard my eldest brother tell me "I love you so much for being there" and then he changed it to "I love you so much for being." I felt gratitude that I am blessed with two brothers who say things like that more frequently and openly than I have a right to expect. I didn't have to work to put a smile on my face today. I have a good old dog lying on my porch. I worked only eight hours today and came home with enough energy to get the yard mowed and ready for winter. I made a delicious healthy dinner. And it's only 7:30 pm and I still have some energy. I feel capable and serene and a humble recipient of grace. I feel ready for tomorrow.

On this morning's post office run

Two big bull moose and me without a good camera. Big guy on the right was trying to mind his own business. Bigger guy on the left had worked his way across the bog pretty intently, not going to let this situation stand. I left before the ruckus started!

Just three inches

That was the difference between life and death yesterday morning for a big stray dog that I came so close to catching. Just as he turned his head away, I made the grab and missed, he bolted, and was killed in traffic about 45 min later. Kari had gone out to check on a reported sighting and found the body; a passerby helped her load it up to go to animal control where a family contact was made. That failure is going to stick with me awhile. I'm so sorry I couldn't save you.

Songs my mother taught me

There exist very few photos of my mother and me together. So much of my adulthood, years might go between times that we saw each other. One photo (for which I have just spent two fruitless hours searching) is of the memorable Christmas Eve that I surprised her by showing up in the living room at Kelly & Bev's, and I really love that picture that Bev snapped in the moment.

But I have thousands of moments in music to remember her by. I don't actually know many songs of contemporary worship. My history is full of old time hymns, and when I page through memory's songbook, I hear my mother at the piano and her high tenor in our family harmonies.

I find comfort in the old tunes and the plain words of belief, before boutique religion made such things obsolete. I have only to sing a few lines before the tears flow, and the connection to my mother is alive again.

Precious Memories
by J.B.F. Wright, 1925

Precious memories, unseen angels
Sent from somewhere to my soul
How they linger, ever near me
And the sacred past unfold.

Precious memories, how they linger
How they ever flood my soul
In the stillness of the midnight
Precious, sacred scenes unfold.

In the stillness of the midnight
Echoes from the past I hear
Old-time singing, gladness bringing
From that lovely land somewhere.

As I travel on life's pathway
Know not what the years may hold
As I ponder, hope grows fonder
Precious memories flood my soul.

Memorials from Holly's ashes

I'm heading out shortly to meet with a local lampworking artist, Elise Strauss, to create glass beads from Holly's ashes. I found her at her Etsy store online, and then realized when I checked her main website that she was right here in Anchorage. That felt like I was being led in the right direction, but when I learned she's a full-on dog person (agility competitor), I knew Holly was guiding me to the right place. If you look at the Etsy store, you can see an example of the large glass beads; I'm thinking that's similar to what we will be doing for Holly's dad Gary and brother Beau as it has a beautiful but masculine look.

My own piece (a bracelet similar to this picture) is already underway at Art from Ashes. I am eager to see the results, but so far very pleased with the personal feel of the contacts I've had with them (caring, but also smart and funny), and the professional and sensitive way they handle the remains.

Is there a translator in the house?

The evolution of this bruise seems to be turning into kanji characters? I'm a little afraid to know what they might mean...

A prayer for Homeless Animals Day

God, creator and upholder of all creatures, make your peaceful presence known in this time.

We acknowledge, with distress and determination, our awareness of the plight of homeless animals in our nation. With shame we confess our guilt for allowing creatures of Yours, entrusted to our care, to be considered with such indifference and by such harsh and horrible ways. We recall before You, in this company, and with all others who share in this vigil, all companion animals who are forgotten, homeless, hurt, and vanquished.

God of Light, we bear in mind those animals who having once enjoyed the warmth of untold human companionship, have had their love and loyalty betrayed. We remember the untold millions of dogs and cats who, through human greed, ignorance, and irresponsible inaction, have been brought into life only to be destroyed. We recognize the terrible suffering of future generations of unwanted animals which will occur unless we change our attitudes and actions.

God of Mercy, we pray for the sanctuaries and shelters where loving workers care for these creatures during the last hours of their lives. Grant unto them the gift of continued compassion. Grant unto all abandoned animals the peace and protection which they did not know here.

God of Truth, strengthen all humane educators and laborers of the human ethic. Give them enduring courage, determination, and hope as they seek to end the suffering of your creatures. Touch and instruct our human hearts so that none of your beloved creatures shall be abused or destroyed.

God, Creator and upholder of all creatures, inspire us that we may, with optimism, shed light on the tragedy of dog and cat overpopulation in our country. Lead us from darkness to light, from death to new life.

Amen.

Reverend Dr. Marc A. Wessels
Executive Director
International Network for Religion and Animals

This theory needs a name

My line of work is fraught with injuries, but I'm still in awe of the inerrant ability of a dog to target the very softest spots on a woman's body to create the most painful bruises, like

But what I really want to understand is how Dog #2 knows to come along two days later andright on that very spot.

She goes on little cat feet

Our little pal and regular home-medical project Mary Love will probably be leaving us in the next few days, from end-stage kidney failure. Though I feel sad, it's with a sense of gratitude for a pretty remarkable accomplishment... When Keith asked me in mid-January 2008 to help with giving fluids at home, neither of us had any idea that we would still be doing it two years and seven months later. It isn't a difficult task per se, but has required a big commitment in coordinating our schedules and so many demands. If we'd known at the beginning that through all the other insanities of life, we could keep this going without fail, I might not have believed it. It's been good for me to stop everything, take those few quiet minutes with Keith holding her, and just concentrate fully on this one small life and how it gets along in the world.

Keith has always said two things to others about this process. One is that "Mary Love wouldn't be alive if it weren't for Peg." He says this more with accusation than with gratitude. (Which, if you knew this cat, is also sort of understandable.) The other, every time I slide a needle in without a hint of a flinch from the cat (or from Keith), he says "If I ever need dialysis, I want you behind the needle." I don't recommend this.

Most satisfying about this process is that it has never felt pointless or without hope. It has translated to a great quality of life and a long extension of that life, and I just can't feel sad about that. She is one of the cutest little cats too, but of course last night when I tried to capture a final photo, all I could get from her was the stinkeye!

A small realization

With both my mother and my dear little girl dead now, it occurs to me that I now have the option of going somewhere, for the first time in years. There is still a lot attaching me here and a number of things that need to be resolved in other areas of life, so this isn't an imminent development. And I still have the impression that my next dog may arrive in my life in October or November. But still, as I'm finding the sand in my bucket running out faster than I can spade it in, I am trying on for size the concept of some small escape as an action and not a wish only.

Backtracking... Thoughts about blogging, and Holly, and Jude

One of the real down sides of trying to resurrect this blog is the big shift in how I process my own feelings in recent years. In the past, sharing the deep stuff came as easily as sharing the small moments. Maybe not everything and maybe not to a worldwide audience, but at least to a few. I could process and process and process and the words would flow evocatively.

Over the last four years I find I have changed more than I thought possible. Besides becoming a person who withdraws from others when hurt, I've withdrawn from myself too. And I also find that is completely okay with me. I've hit some places where just too much is wrong and there just aren't words for it any more. I am very okay being a person who can be totally emotionally present for others, but keep that a one-way street much of the time, or at least keep the traffic my direction well controlled. My heart was very open to giving, but mistrustful about allowing anything in return. I feel safer in silence. Alongside this evolution has been a stronger sense about what God asks of me in this world, and it never involves putting my own feelings first.

However, all of this is a disadvantage in trying to resume writing as an honest practice too. I realized this weekend that a compromise may lie in revisiting previous events, where the processing is largely done and some perspective has already occurred. Holly's arrival in my life unlocked some doors that had been pretty slammed shut, with the deaths of Hunter and Piper, the decline of my mom's health and the constant stress of worry about her care. Holly brought joy and resiliency and a willingness to open my heart to receive again.

And that brings me to Jude. Some months ago as Holly's dad, a former client, began making plans to move to the Calgary area, memories of my time there with Jude were very front of mind. I would often think with a smile of how Jude would have delighted to add Holly to her long list of beloved seniors. As Holly's relocation plan progressed, I began to feel something stirring as it clicked for me that her target, a small community south of Calgary, was the very one where Jude had relocated and where she died.

On May 3 in this blog, I wrote about my awakening feelings... "But the tide is ebbing and I am being pulled with its shift. And, not surprisingly, all of it is under the influence of one dog. This weekend was the first time in 18 months that I allowed it to take me deeply into the undertow. It was a meaningful baptism."

The previous Friday evening, I had taken Holly to see her dad before he left Anchorage for the final time. (All of this was before her cancer diagnosis and change in plans.) The next morning, the sun was really bright, I had a million things to do, but I sat down and started writing because I felt sad inside. I thought it was from sadness over watching the pain of that parting and thinking of my own loss in Holly's impending departure, but it turned out to be years of unresolved grief over Jude's death. I wrote and wrote and wrote. Then I edited and rewrote, and found words more perfect for what I was feeling, and cried harder than I have cried over anything in years. Under the tears I found the bright love that I carried for Jude and that I carry still, and the life-changing impact that her presence, like Holly's, had brought to my life.

I didn't experience this as a series of small coincidences (client has senior dog, client moves to town where friend died under strange circumstances, friend was champion of senior dog rescue). I experienced it as a series of doors unlocking quietly, and suddenly all of Jude's wonderful passion and heart was connected to mine again.

What I wrote that day is just for her. I hope that before too many more years go by, that I will go there one autumn day to visit Jude again, retrace some of the steps we took there together, and share all that I found buried in my heart for her that morning. To abandon the lingering burden of senseless loss in her death, and instead to look on our years of friendship with a sense of true healing and celebration is one of the greatest gifts that I have received, because of Holly.

Tonight's checklist:

Love suffers long and is kind.
Love does not envy.
Love does not parade itself.
Love does not behave rudely.
Love does not seek its own.
Love is not provoked.
Love thinks no evil.
Love does not rejoice in the wrong, but rejoices in the truth.
Love bears all things.
Love believes all things.
Love hopes all things.
Love endures all things.
Love never fails.