Petsitting at Michele & Chuck's

I do miss my own dog, but it was wonderful to walk in here tonight and have 12 happy dogs greet me - including a teeny little Amber biscuit who dashed across the room, hopped up on the back of the sofa wagging her tail, and gave me furious kisses. A tiny gem among the giants.

This house is healing for me. There is so much love in it even when the people who make it so aren't here. Each of the special little greeting moments reminds me that these dogs are loved and secure as individuals, not part of some vague herd. Michele was beaming when she left - she said it just made her feel so good when I walked in and everyone was so excited to see me - she knows they are more than just merely okay.

The feeling in this home is the kind of feeling I want to create in my own home. And I've had it from time to time over the years. Strangely, it was more when I lived alone - it was never when I was partnered with someone because those important, loving, accepting, safe spots were never something I was able to create with another person and have it be ours to rely on and ours to share. And I don't know if I can fully make that space while my mom lives with me, which sounds terrible to say, though it's something I aspire to do. It's probably just from some sense that our relationships with our parents don't always allow us to be who we are at our core.

But the feeling I got tonight when I walked in, tired and spent and...and now finally able to let a few raw defeated tears escape because I'm safe enough here and no one will see and in the morning I'll have the game face on again...the feeling I got is the feeling I have seen on another's face at my own door in the middle of the night, to come in tired and burdened, be cared for and made comfortable, have dogs be companionably about, and know that for a little while this place is as much home as any other could be.

That's the peace I want to give to other people. Don't know how I will do that or whether I'll ever have the circumstance to make that so. But the sense of rest and healing that I always feel here is something I want others to know.