Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Trust of men in general is something I wonder if I can expect to regain. Even among my very closest male friendships, I keep waiting for the moment when that person also unveils that he never meant anything he said either, and I feel sad that I am so fearful and suspicious anymore. That the unease just gets worse is the part that is troubling me so. I've lost the last two years and think I am no closer to healing. My friend Michele points out that you can't heal when there is still active damage going on and you're still flailing to keep your head above water. Which is true. As far as being alone goes, I actually prefer it in a lot of ways. I've always preferred living alone, that's for sure. I probably wouldn't struggle with any of that so much if it wasn't for the ironic biology that made me one of those rare women who actually does need sex. But it feels like the only constant thread over time for me is loss, and I think maybe after decades of it, I'm reaching the end of my string.